Friday, June 17
i'm scared. i'm turning into one of those disgusting creatures from outerspace. or rather, the rat race next door. and talking to my sister always depresses me. she's really got everything now - lost even more weight, is looking fantastic, straight a's, 4 digits in the bank, talking about going overseas while i rot in bloody humid and boring singapore. and telling me to have more self control. i've just eaten half a bottle of fried cashew nuts and done nothing all day but read and listen to music on the com. with exams days away. she was on the treadmill while i was bingeing. then of course, the money matters. i've got like 10% of what she's got, because i tend to buy whatever i think is pretty, and eat out a lot.
i want to sink into a hole and just die. die. die. damn the grades. damn the weight. damn money. damn everything. i can't seem to do anything right.
i miss everyone. i hate sitting at home by myself wallowing in self hatred and self pity. at least when i'm outside, wearing contacts and something other than worn out shirt and shorts, i can force myself to act normal, smile and get on with life. shut up in my room all day with the blinds down and music blaring, i let myself fall apart. i miss chris. i miss studying with her, if that could be called studying. bingeing is no fun when you're alone. it's just damnit guilt-inducing.
the clock goes, tick tick tick. my fingernails are blue with cold. when did i stop caring enough to buff my nails?
it must've been love.
5:12 pm
xoxo
